Heart Open

Expect watch for,

and embrace uncertainty.

Dance with the madness of

The cosmos, and not against it.

Leave your door open and your heart ready for anything.

Vanessa Rush Southern  This Peace of Eden

As many of you know, I just moved to Abiquiu, New Mexico from Winchester, MA.  This is the land of Georgia O’Keefe and the Ghost Ranch Conference and Retreat Center, with breath-taking views of the big sky, Pedernal Mountain, mesas, red cliffs, Rios Chama and Puerco, and Abiquiu Lake.  They call this Piedra Lumbre, Valley of the Shining Stone.  We are over 6,500 feet above sea level and you can literally feel as if you can see forever.

I find the high desert endlessly fascinating with coyotes’, snakes (yes even rattlers), rabbits, small piñon pines and junipers, cactus, yellow chamisa, sage, tumbleweed, and lots of vegetation and birds for which I have no name as yet.  My husband Rick and I hike or walk almost every day.  I feel as if my soul has come home.

It was not easy getting here; at least it felt that way at times.   Waiting for our last child to graduate from college and buying land on which to build a home was the easy part.  Rick taking early retirement in order to move meant trusting that finances would work out.  Putting the house up for sale, dismantling our home for 34 years, and then waiting for the right buyer to appear in this current economic climate, this was the hard part.  At least I convinced myself it was hard.  I did finally learn through unnecessary suffering to “ watch for, and embrace uncertainty. Dance with the madness of the cosmos, and not against it.”  I fought with my Divine, inner knowing the whole time until after months of terror, I finally realized it was unnecessary.  Leaving my door open and my heart ready for anything was the part that felt difficult.  Yet in the end this was one of my most profound lessons.

When I look back at my life and the lessons I learned from parenting an atypical child, selling our house should have been easy.  I realize now that I always thought I had some control over parenting Tyler as well as Sarah, the more normal (nuerotypical) child.  (I use that term normal, with a bow to convention; as I do not believe anymore that there is a normal way of being, just people behaving in many complex, and wonderfully diverse ways.)   Through my spiritual practice, I learned to trust that everyone is held in God’s arms, totally loved and supported.  And, I felt some control in that I could always find a therapist, or advocate for better educational services.  I am learning every day that control is an illusion and selling the house gave me my first taste of being in a situation in which I had zero control and I found it terrifying.

For some reason, I removed God’s presence from things like buying or selling a home, the stock market, hence anything that has to do with money.  So the uncertainty of selling the house sent me into a downward spiral, questioning everything I thought I believed.  But while this was happening I knew with unwavering faith that I would emerge from the emotional and spiritual hole I dug with a more loving and gentle understanding, that this would be a profound spiritual lesson.  This is what kept me going every morning through my fear.  I was blessed with the time to go within, dig deep and bring to the light many judgments and fears I had kept buried deep within me.  And one of these was the illusion of control.  Trusting and letting go to my higher unified spiritual self meant exploring my fears of being worthy of God’s love and thus it was OK to give up control. That I was not a bad person because I still was judgmental and unforgiving at times. I finally learned that control is an illusion and that all of us without exception are Divinely loved, held and supported.

Some of you know that I have been a student of A Course in Miracles for many years.  This move to New Mexico has provided opportunities to deepen my spiritual practice.  Not long after I was here in New Mexico, I attended a three-day workshop in Pecos, NM.  Nouk Sanchez a Course teacher and author of Take Me to Truth, Undoing the Ego along with Stacy Sully taught the workshop.  It was perfect for what I was learning and a deepening of what I had learned from my recent dark night of the soul.  At this workshop, I released with choking tears the shame I felt, yet did not know I was holding, about entering such a dark place over something seemingly so insignificant as selling a house.

I am in a time of reflection and contemplation, learning to be alone but not lonely and developing my natural internal power.  There is not much happening with work.  I gave three Involve workshops in San Francisco, New York City and Philadelphia and I was the keynote speaker at the Spirit Play Conference in San Antonio.  I feel I am being prepared for the next phase in my life. It may be connected to my new book, Don’t Fix Me I’m Not Broken, Changing Our Minds about Oursleves and Our Children and it may not.  I am finally comfortable with not knowing and feel blessed to have this time to continue to deepen my spiritual practice.  I am leaving my door open and my heart ready for anything.

Categories General Spiritual Musings | Tags: | Posted on June 14, 2012

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